Ever since I learned of this cherished ritual involving Australia’s favourite biscuit (officially since 2004!), I’ve been fastidiously slamming Tim Tams. For science! It has nothing to do with the delectable crispy biscuits sandwiching drool-worthy chocolate filling, or their expertly chocolate enrobed forms. Nope.
During this slam-o-rama I’ve devoured hundreds of calories, packing away the 11-packs of tasty treats all in order to report back to you! Appreciate my sacrifice.
But first, in case you’re asking:
What’s a Tim Tam?
Originally a Tim Tam was a racehorse! Born of top racing stock and trained by Jimmy Jones (not that Jim Jones), Tim Tam sped to the top and was pegged as a contender for the coveted Triple Crown. Fancy! Ross Arnott immortalized the 1958 Kentucky Derby winner* in another way by bestowing his name on Ian Norris’ invention – Arnott’s food technologist’s “better” version of the UK’s penguin cookie (aka the Tim Tam).
*no horses were harmed in the making of the biscuits (I hope)
Tim Tams are my current favorite cookie… excuse me, biscuit. Arnott’s insists they are not a cookie, but identify as biscuits. I imagine this in much the same way an overzealous parent might insist their daughter’s name is Elizabeth, not Lizzie. However, in light of their resounding success in the 60 years they’ve been on the market, we’ll allow Arnott’s the indulgence.
Whatever you call them, Tim Tams are a sumptuous snack – two chocolate biscuits sandwiched around a lush chocolate filling, and then the whole thing covered in a chocolate coating, because why not?
even the cat loves them!
And those are just the originals! I can only dream about the myriad incarnations available to local Aussie’s over the years! Over here in Canada they’re relatively new (what’s ~15 years in the scheme of things). We can typically find classic Tim Tams – white chocolate, dark, caramel, and if you’re lucky, the infamous double coated which offers that extra thicc chocolate coating.
The Mad Tammers in the Arnott’s food laboratory have served up red velvet, espresso, chocolate mint, chocolate raspberry, and who knows how many more. Arnott’s site even lists a Jatz version- a buttery cracker (which I assume is) in place of the chocolate biscuits.
Sounds like a manufacturing mix up if you ask me, but they’re Jatz’d about them!
Luckily the originals are the classic choice for the rite known as:
The Tim Tam Explosion
AKA the Tim Tam Suck, Blow, Explosion, Bomb, Shotgun, Bong, or Slam is beloved the world over. Your favorite celebrities and mine (Neil Degrasse Tyson, God and the Bear) have partaken, and Arnott’s themselves heartily endorse the Tim Tam Suck.
“What an experience. I sucked and I sucked and it blew my mind down.
As the walls disintegrated panic set in, and I slammed the goo. Was quite a thrill ride.”
Justin Krahn / God and the Bear*
*for more God and the Bear content and quotes, check out this interview!
The explicit origin of the ritual is not clear. As far as I can tell, humans have adopted a “if it splits, I sips” philosophy toward consumables*.
If a beverage can be vacuumed via, we vie.
Tim Tams are no exception, and it didn’t take long before we discovered what a voluptuous vehicle the wafers were.
*See: hollow licorice vines, or those cigar shaped cookies.
The custom came to my attention whilst sharing a pack of the biccies in the break room.
“You have to try it!” my corporate colleagues cajoled.
“You have to try it!”
Cajoling Corporate Colleagues
Me, being a generous comrade, graciously assented. They provided the protocol and I became a Tim Tam Slammer right then.
Ready to shotgun some sugar, but asking:
How to do the Tim Tam Slam?
It’s just a bite to the left, then a switch to the right.
Put your hands on your mug, and bring your treat in tight.
But it’s the dip and suck that really drives you insane!
Let’s do the ‘Tam Warp again!
Here are the detailed dance steps:
- Bite off opposite corners of the biscuit. Just enough that you can see the inside of it.
- I found the top right corner to be the superior corner. Not sure if this is because I’m right handed or something else? You tell me.
- Have your fave biscuit dunking drink on hand! Warm is recommended for that chocolate melt. Not so hot you’ll burn your mouth!
- It works with cold drinks too but is not the same experience.
- Tip your bevvy so you can stick one end of the cornerless cookie* in the drink while holding the other end of the biccie in your mouth. *just once for alliterations’ sake
- Stick the exposed corner in the liquid and suck! The inside is just porous enough that it lets the liquid through.
- As soon as you feel the liquid on your tongue, shove the Tim Tam in your mouth! There seems to be two main methods for this:
- Picking the far (drink) end of the ‘Tam up and shoving it in your mouth like you’re trying to hide it, or stifle a bad word.
- Flipping your head back and flinging the biscuit back into your mouth like a penguin swallowing a fish. My personal favourite.
The result is layers of delicate biscuit and velvety filling disintegrating in your mouth.
The most delightful mush you’ll ever eat.
Me
WARNING! The ritual is simple to perform, but more challenging to master.
If you wait too long to munch it, it’ll melt into your mug!
The slam is great fun to do with others, and why not – the more the merrier. The factories pump out loads (like thousands per minute) of Tim Tams every day. The more you slam, the more you can ram into your mouths.
The OG is the classic choice for a reason but you can’t go wrong with any variety!
You know which biscuits to bite but:
What beverage is the best?
Depends on who you ask. All you can do is try everything. Or at least a lot of things. For science! See? There’s a chart and everything. I present, my findings:
| Drink | Tastiness/5 | Mouth Feel/5 | */5 |
|---|---|---|---|
| Black coffee (hot) | Extra bitter – 2 | Thin and chunky – 2 | 2* |
| Black tea (cold) | Still tea and biscuits – 3 | Slimy crunch – 2 | 2.5* |
| Cafe Mocvatine4 (warm) | Sweet, bitter, creamy, malty – 5 | Dissolving satin – 5 | 5* |
| Chai with milk (warm) | Good, if you like chocolate chai. Would drink again! – 5 | Ripple – 3 | 4* |
| Chocolate Ovaltine1 (warm) | Like drinking a Tim Tam – 5 | Homogenous – 4 | 4.5* |
| Coffee with milk (warm) | Chocolate + coffee = TLF – 4 | Buoyant – 5 | 4.5/5* |
| Coca Cola3 (room temp) | Double sweet – 3 | Crackle! – 3 | 3* |
1What even is Ovaltine?
Another thing I’d never had before. But since it’s touted as one of the preferred beverages for the Tim Tam Slam, I endeavored to find out why.
“Why do they call it oval-tine when it comes in a round tin? Why not round tine?”
Because eggs! Ovaltine was originally Ovomaltine, consisting primarily of malt2, milk, eggs and cocoa. What? Yup. Ovo = egg! The version on Canadian supermarket shelves is still high in iron and calcium but no longer contains egg like in some countries.
It’s a malted, (in this case) chocolate drink (you can also get vanilla). Recommended to be drunk with warm milk, but cold is fine too. It tastes…mostly of milk. The serving size of powder was easily overpowered by the milk itself. It’s lightly malty with a mild chocolate taste. Not overly sweet. Tasty enough. Not really a substitute for like Nesquick or other high impact (aka sugar) chocolate drinks.
But! I have a container of it now so I’ll probably drink more of it. Maybe I’ll make a malty version of Arnott’s Tim Tam cheesecake recipe.
2What even is malt?
So you know how there is oat milk? Malted milk comes from soaking germinated (but not too germinated) barley. This is essentially barley milk. Evidently this is a pretty common process used on grains for beer and stuff. Weird. This must be one of those accidental discoveries that turned out to be super tasty. Like yogurt. Or chocolate chip cookies.
The Horlick brothers combined the malt with evaporated milk, and wheat flour (among other things I’m sure) and marketed it as “a health food for infants and invalids”.
But people liked the taste of Malted Milk so much it heralded an entire Malt Shop era!
3Tam Slam with Coke???
Somewhere in the depths of the internet someone recommended this combination. I was too curious not to attempt it… coley-moley, it’s certainly unique!
- PSA – it’s hard to angle the corner into a can! It probably works better with a bottle.
- It dissolves the insides because coke dissolves stuff. It reacts and bubbles and doesn’t really melt, so the texture is still crunchy and soda poppy.
- The flavor isn’t terrible – sweet on sweet. But the chocolate and cola are both dark rich flavors – they remained distinct but since both tastes are good it still tasty!
While it was fun to try, ultimately were I to slam a Tam again, I would choose a:
4Cafe Mocvatine
The best of all possible worlds! This malty mocha balances bitter and acidic with a sweet, malty chocolate edge. To create this masterpiece simply:
- add 2 tablespoons of ovaltine chocolate powder to your coffee
- Add milk for extra creaminess
You’re welcome~
So is the Tim Tam Bong wrong or lifelong?
Tim Tams remain my jam but I’ll duck on the suck. While I can’t say I’ll never again be tempted to Shotgun the sweet melty moment of bliss, I’m a day-to-day dunker and expect to go back to savoring the biscuits one crispy chomp at a time.
The Tim Tam Suck is an honored tradition across the world, esteemed by your favorite celebrities, and Arnott’s are not disappointed.
If you have not used a chocolate biscuit as a straw, I recommend trying it at least twice. Ideally with company to cheer you on.
Have a Tim-Tam-tacular time!
Credit to: Nightcafe, Wikipedia, Wisconsin History, Wikipedia, Arnott's, Wikipedia, SHA, Wikipedia, and special thanks to God and the Bear