Remix: Ants on a Log

• Celery

• Peanut Butter (smooth dark roast recommended)
  • Alternatively, you can use Cheese Whiz. Don’t use both though.
    • Uh, what whizit?

• Raisins. Whatever kind(s) of raisin(s) you won’t wrinkle your nose at.
  • Currantly ignorant? Read more!
  • Alternatively, you can use chocolate chips. Not with Cheez Whiz.

1. Break off your favorite celery legs
   • I didn’t wash them off but you probably should
   • Leave them long for now and cut them after unless you love tedium
   • Chop off the big spoon ends and save them to eat soup 
2. Glom way too much peanut butter onto your knife and gloop it into the celery stalk
3. Use the knife to level it like a plasterer. Some on the sides is ok if you like sticky fingers 
4. Plonk raisins into the peanut butter at regular intervals
   • The space between raisins should be inversely proportional to your love of raisins
   • If you hate having the perfect chewy sweet textural contrast of this trifecta, you can sub chocolate chips for crunch on crunch.
     • Or avoid the third topping all together if everything is antennaeble (like untenable?)
5. Line up your sticks and chop to desired length
   • Bonus points for the most stalks you can cut at once
6. Eat ’em
   • Save a celery string to floss your teeth with afterwards 

It’s a fairly healthy recipe as far as these things go. I won’t string you along, this version does not have nearly as much protein as if you used actual ants. But you could try that. People in lots of places eat ants and I bet they’d stick really well in the peanut butter.

Celery

Celery is mostly water and potassium. And vitamin K! Which is not potassium for some reason even though K is the chemical periodic table elemental symbol for potassium. PLUS celery has that all important fiber. So many fibers.

Peanut Butter

Peanutbutter is just really squished peanuts and those are pretty good for you! You don’t want to have tooo much because of its delicious fat content. But it’s also got that protein to fill you up, some Vitamin B, even some iron! Oh and manganese. And copper! Can’t forget those. We love micrometals.

Raisins

Now raisins! Raisins are controversial. They are certainly nature’s candy but Nature is not very good at making candy, that’s why we make it ourselves. Anyway, raisins take all the sugar of a lovely grape and shrivel it up into an even littler package so you get all that sweetness and flavor in a little chewy bite. Or maybe a big chewy handful you popped into your mouth and are forced to fill out your cheeks like a chipmunk. 

They’re very divisive. Some people hate raisins. I like raisins the same as I like spiders – I’m good with them as long as they don’t sneak up on me or show up in my shower or something. If I know they’re there, I’m good. But the moment they show up unannounced in my cinnamon bun, I’m out. 

You thought raisins were just raisins? Well really raisins were grapes! And different grapes make different raisins. The Raisin Hut lists these 6 types of raisins to get you started:

Golden Raisins: These sunshine-colored beauties are made from white grapes and undergo a sun-drying process. They are plump, juicy, and have a mild, sweet flavor.

Thompson Raisins: Similar to golden raisins, Thompsons are seedless and offer a slightly tart taste. They are often used in baking and trail mixes.

Black Raisins: Also known as Kishmish raisins, these dark gems are made from black grapes. They have a more intense sweetness with a hint of spice and a chewy texture. Black raisins are a popular ingredient in Indian curries and rice dishes.

Sultanas: These golden raisins are larger than their counterparts and undergo a special drying process that gives them a softer texture and a richer, fruitier taste. Sultanas are perfect for snacking and add a luxurious touch to desserts.

Flame Raisins: These reddish-brown raisins are made from red grapes and have a complex flavor profile with hints of raisin, cherry, and spice. They are a great addition to stuffings, salads, and cheese plates.

Currants: Often mistaken for a type of raisin, currants are actually a different dried fruit altogether. They are made from a small, seedless black currant and have a tart, tangy flavor.

I know what you’re thinking – why isn’t there any kind of mathematical formula to calculate my precise love, or lack thereof, of raisins?

No need to brood, Ants on a log can formulate this flowing feeling of love into cold statistics with this simple formula:

S(pace between raisins) = measurement in millimeters (mm)
R = universal raisin constant (9)
L = love quotient

One can measure their love of raisins by solving for L in the equation S=R/L

I have approximately 3 millimeters between my raisins (see Fig.1) so my formula looks like:

3mm = 9/L

To solve for L we must go way back to basic algebra and isolate the love quotient. Thanks to Symbolab for reminding me how use my math mandibles.

Solve for L:

3mm = 9/L

Multiply both sides by L : 3L = 9

Divide both sides by 3: L=3

My love of raisins is 3! An auspicious number!

As for me, I’ve come full circle back to my long-time love of ants on a log